Dear Mom and Dad:

I wish I could have said “good-bye”. It sometimes seems unfair that I never even was able to say “hello”. I am OK now; everything is better. I miss you and always will, but I believe we will be together again, in time, for all time. Right now though, that seems like an eternity. In time, it will be for eternity.

Please, remember me, use my name, tell my family and your friends about me. Never forget me or pretend I didn’t exist.

Thanks for all you did for me. Mom, thanks for putting up with the changes in your body; thanks for everything you shared with me. Thanks for talking to me; I know your hopes and dreams for me. Thanks for the songs you sang, and for those gentle pats you gave me while I floated inside. You may not realize, but the rhythmic contracting of your heart helped me rest peacefully and reassured me. As I grew, I could feel your heart beating better and better, and it gave me such a wonderful sense of comfort.

Thanks for the tears you shed for me. I know you did everything you could for me and I am fortunate to have you for my Mother. I am sorry for the pain and sadness you have suffered.

Dad, thanks for being there for Mom and me, It must have been so hard for you, trying to be strong and brave for Mom when you were confused, upset and afraid yourself. I will miss growing up with you, wrestling, being tossed in the air, just sitting on your lap learning how to use the TV remote control. Please don’t ever forget about me. I will not forget you.

If there is something I have learned, it is that you will not find the answer to the “why” of this, not now anyway. God did not make this happen, but He will help you live, love and laugh again. Sometimes that can seem very difficult when you hurt and so badly want answers.

I want you to live today; be happy. Bring laughter back into the house. Dare to dream again. You know so much better than many that life is often too short, too unpredictable. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I would rather this all be a very bad nightmare, but I can do nothing to change that now. However, you can make something good out of my death if you use it as an opportunity to love each other a little more, and reach out. There are so many hurting people out there who need a hand, or a hug or a “hello” or just someone to listen. Don’t be afraid to admit you may be one of them. Be gentle with each other.

On a still, clear night, look for me, out there in the peace and quiet. Look up, not by the Big Dipper or the Milky Way, but over there in the corner of the sky. See that small, twinkling star you never noticed before?

One more thing before I go, thanks a lot for everything you did for me. Thanks for caring and sharing. Thanks for trying and for crying. I love you, lots. And Mom and Dad, “good-bye”, “good-bye for just a little while longer”.

Love you,
Your Angel Baby

It has been a little while since I have updated. Jarred and I are doing okay and thinking about trying for another baby again soon. It is terrifying. We miss our baby so much and I still have a lot of emotions. The biggest thing I still feel is WHY. With miscarriages, the body ends the pregnancy because something is wrong with the baby. With an ectopic, our babies were FINE. My baby was alive, well, thriving even after the MTX shot kept growing. And I had to end it. That is what pisses me off beyond words. I feel like my body failed me. I was supposed to protect my baby, and I couldn't. There was nothing wrong with my baby. He or she was just in the wrong spot :(

2nd AF has arrived and it is more painful than the first. I wish there was no such thing as AF but then we wouldn't be able to have babies. Being a woman really sucks sometimes.

6 Week Post Op Appt

6 week post op update: Dr. did exam, everything looked good, obviously he has no way to see my tube but he once again said wait 6 months BUT that if I got pregnant before that he wouldn't be mad at me hahaah... he once again told me about the girl who had the same procedure as me where her tube was cut open and he said "She didnt listen to anything I said (laughing) and had sex a week later and was pregnant, baby was in her uterus"....I asked if he saw any endometriosis during surgery and he said he didn't. I asked how long til he thought my tube would be closed up (he did not stitch it to reduce scarring) and he said probably 4-6wks from surgery (which would be now) --- and then said when I get pregnant again to just call in and I will go for weekly ultrasounds til we see baby in my uterus. If I have another ectopic in my left tube, he will remove it. I told him I wish he had removed it before buuut he says if he can save it he is supposed to do that, which I can understand. Regardless there is approx 15-25% chance of another EP. Thaaat's about it. I go in for my yearly next month. He apologized for being so quick in the hospital the day after surgery, stressed he was so concerned about my wanting to get pregnant again so badly and knowing how much I really wanted this baby. He stresses that I am NOT old and I have lots of time *eyeroll* But for the most part, good appt besides the waiting 6 months part (again) - I feel pretty good that he won't be mad if I do though. :p

I miss you.

I've been doing okay lately. Then last night I went into the spare bedroom that was going to be yours. I picked up the little reindeer we bought you the day I found out I was pregnant. And I cried again.

I suppose this sadness will never go away. I wish you were still growing and in the right place. I would have been 11 weeks this week and hearing your little heart beating. :(

This week has been better. I went back to work and life has started to feel "normal" albeit missing something, but I think that will always be there. It felt good to get back to work. Today, however, has been kind of hard. It's lonely today so I'm left alone with my thoughts and the time is just dragggging by until we can start to TTC again. Dr. says six months but the general consensus everywhere I have read and from everyone with an EP I have talked to online has been told 3 or less. So at this point we are looking at Feb-March at the earliest, although I would love to TTC NOW. As sad as we are and as much as grieve our baby's loss, I know that I will feel some relief one day when I have a healthy baby in my uterus, in the right place. I only hope that is in the cards for us.

Once again going back to wishing I knew the answers... the answers to why this happened and the answers to "is this going to happen again?" "Will I get my sticky baby this year?" "Will it travel to the right place?" I just want someone to be able to tell me, definitely YES. I know time will tell. But I have a love/hate relationship with TIME.

It takes too long.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

So it's been a couple of weeks since I've updated here so I decided I probably should get on it.

Christmas was pretty somber. We were all well aware of what was missing. WHO was missing... the baby in my belly. Mu incisions are still sore but I am back to normal physically for the most part. I got a positive OPK on Tues/Wed 12/27 and 28th and temps are now up so it looks like I O'd. I also had O pains from hell and rectal pressure from hell so yeah, let's hope that was a one time post op event.
It's still mildy there but hoping that goes away soon. I called the nurse at my OB/GYN office and she thought it was leftover gas from surgery...18 days later. I think she just wanted to get off the phone. She actually told me to put gingerale in hot tea. WHAT? so yeah. Hope that goes away soon.

My HCG was 6.8 on 12/19 and I had my last draw on 12/29 - it was less than 2, so no more until next time I get pregnant. Thank goodness.

I'm back to work today and it's good. I'm glad to be back to normalcy somewhat. Yesterday was the first day I started to feel like maybe the world's not ending. The babycenter emails have to be unsubscribed because today it told me I was 10 weeks and that my baby is an inch long. It's hard because even without them I keep thinking of what week I would have been on. I would have a little bump by now for sure.

I have a tree outside my balcony that I look at daily. The top looks like a little cradle to me and the day of my "threated m/c" (before I knew it was EP) - I imagined my baby resting in it. The other day I was looking at it and just next to it was a rainbow. It made me smile, because I am now waiting for my rainbow baby.



The idea of a rainbow baby makes me smile.

"In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."