This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

For the past three weeks I have had my bad days, my okay days, and my hopeful days. Today is one of the bad days. I can't stop thinking about my baby that would have been, or the bump I would have had, I wonder what he or she would look like, be like, whether she'd have my eyes or her daddy's ears, my constant quest for answers or her dad's laid back attitude. I cry at the drop of a hat, and can't stop thinking about it all. Three weeks ago I was so overjoyed with excitement, and never once had a thought that something as terrible as this could have happened to US. I have had baby on the brain for years but we waited until the right time. We were patient, we had our amazing wedding, our fantastic honeymoon, and then we made a baby. We never dreamed in a million years that something so tragic would happen to us. But it did, and now somehow I have to find a way to go on. A way to keep going and keep believing and keep hoping. I am unsure of how to do this at this point in time. For now I cry on Jarred's chest and find joy in Brendon. But a part of me feels SO empty, so lonely, and so tearful for the life we will never get to meet, and so terrified that this could happen again and again. Everytime I get dressed I look at my belly and think about what it would look like now... what it should look like now.

Today is a bad day full of tears and what ifs and wondering what will happen in the future. One day at a time is slow and painful for an impatient person like me. I wish someone could tell me for certain that one day this would all be okay. That one day we will have our rainbow baby, and one day we will smile again, knowing it all happened for a reason. It's hard going on without knowing. It's hard to hope when faced with the reality that it could happen again. It's hard to dream when all of mine have just been shattered, with things and news going from bad to worse to the most horrible time ever.
I've never felt so terrible in my entire life.

The journey continues

11/20 - BFP! So excited, hubby and I just got married in October, went off the pill in Sept and got pregnant our first month trying.

11/23 - HCG levels 32

11/29 - started bleeding bright red and cramping. Went to the ER, thought for sure I was misscarying (5 weeks)
They did a pelvic and said my cervix was closed. No baby or sac seen on internal u/s. HCG 327. Ordered to see my OBGYN 12/1 and do HCG then.

12/1 - u/s no baby or sac again. HCG 380. still bleeding lightly. Told I was miscarrying. Appt to come back on 12/5.

12/2 - Terrible left side cramping and low back cramping. Heating pad and hot baths did nothing. Tylenol did not even touch the pain.

12/5. u/s shows 2.2cm ectopic in my left tube. HCG 360. Given choice of methotrexate or surgery. Opted for shot. Went for kidney and liver panels. All were good.

12/6 - Methotrexate 90mg, one shot in each butt cheek. Cramping and more bleeding.

12/7 - More cramping, heavier bleeding. Passed tissue that is reddish pinkish and has some grey in it. Is this the sac already? Doctor told me my body would absorb it. Saved tissue to take to next appt.

Scheduled for another HCG on 12/10 and 12/13.

12/10 - HCG 260

12/11 - Stabbing Pains, Nausea - Went to ER - they gave me dilaudid and did another u/s. Said to followup with OBGYN. Still bleeding.

12/12 - Followed up, internal bleeding shown on u/s, mass got bigger (3.2cm) -- Scheduled for surgery at 6pm. Laparoscopy. Mass Removed from Left tube and tube saved. Not sewn, will heal on its own. Stayed overnight in the hospital on 3 East. Got no sleep.

12/13 - Sore. Exhausted. Taking percocets and only sleeping 20 min at a time. d/c from hospital at 4pm. HCG 200

12/16 - Looks like a pos. OPK. not sure.
HCG internet cheapie faint faint line

12/17 - BLEEDING STOPPED after 18 days. Just slight spotting - ends by the end of the day. HCG internet cheapie faint faint line

12/19 - HCG 6.8!!! ~ No line on the HCG internet cheapie

Go for ONE more HCG draw next week, they want me down to 2.

SO glad this is almost over.

Bittersweet. Crying everyday. Seeing babies when we go out is torture. I am always going to wonder what would have been... who would he or she be? What would they look like? I will never know. For now, I cry to my husband nightly. I hope that in time, this pain will ease up.

*Update*

12/29 - HCG less than 2. No more blood draws.

Saying Goodbye

I started bleeding on Tuesday. Nov 29th. Jarred and I went to the E.R. and I was afraid I was having a miscarriage. The dr. did a pelvic exam and gave me good news that my cervix was still closed, and after blood was drawn my HCG levels were at 327. I went in for an ultrasound, then saw the dr. Good news: higher levels than last week. Bad news, no baby on ultrasound, but they said it was too early. I was given instructions to get blood drawn again on Thursday Dec. 1 and ultrasound then see Dr. Donato in the afternoon.

Thursday December 1:
Went in for ultrasound then HCG quant. Tech told me I do NOT have a bicornuate uterus, it's just curved a little bit. Still no sac.

Dr. got my HCG levels. Up to 377. Not high enough. They should have doubled. He does not feel this is a good pregnancy and that I am going to miscarry. No signs of ectopic based on u/s but I have instructions to go back for another HCG quant on Monday and another u/s and to see the Dr. to find out if levels are dropping and where we go from here.

Thursday night was very, very, very sad. Jarred and I had to tell our family and friends what was going on. We held onto eachother and tried not to let go. We're determined to make it through this somehow.

Friday I was in a LOT of pain. The cramping started in the afternoon and continued to get worse as the evening went on. The pain was ALL on the left side and also in my lower back. I used a heating pad and took a bath and nothing helped until Jarred went to get some meds from my mom. Took that and slept much better. Woke up Saturday feeling better, still not passing anything. Same thing Sunday.

Today is Monday, had my blood drawn this morning so now I wait until this afternoon to see how things are progressing.

We're Pregnant!!

November 20, 2011 ~ positive pregnancy test! Baby Moyer is on the way!!!!

12DPO ~ had a feeling implantation happened yesterday while Brendon and I were out shopping. I thought it was my period at first but she's not due for another 3 days. Spotted a bit then stopped.

This morning I decided to test while Jarred was out hiking, fully expecting another negative. I sat the test down and began getting ready...then went back over expecting to see one pink line as usual. But instead of one pink line, there were two pink lines, one very faint. I started shaking and tried quickly to decide how to tell Jarred since I wanted to surprise him with something cute, however he was going to be home any minute and I was in a state of JOY! He got home and I panicked and gave Brendon the test, told him what was going on, and for him to stick it in his pants like a holster, he was instructed to go downstairs and tell Jarred something was wrong with his underwear. Instead he told Jarred something was wrong with MY underwear and that I needed help. Jarred was like "huh?" I just started laughing. We went to the couch and Jarred lifted up Brendon's shirt to see the pregnancy test sticking out. He looked at me and said "Are you pregnant?!!???" I nodded yes. He was overjoyed and couldn't stop smiling and shaking. His next words.... "I'm gonna be a daddy!" I was kind of surprised with how excited he was. He felt like he had to tell someone right away but I made him wait. We went out browsing baby stuff and bought our first present for baby: a little Carter's reindeer :)

We went out to dinner with my parents that night for Steve's birthday. Wanted to wait until Thanksgiving to tell them but just couldn't wait.
Jarred ordered 2 drinks in hopes they would notice and he would then tell them he's drinking for two. They didn't notice.
Steve asked "So is the honeymoon over yet?" To which I responded, nope, give it a month. Or nine.
He still didn't notice.
So then he started going on about saving money and yada yada...and Jarred says "Yeah money will be tight for awhile, probably the next nine months or so..."
A light bulb went on and Mom says "Are you pregnant already?!?!"
"YES. YES WE ARE!"

We went home that night and Jarred called his mom and grandparents, Aunt Carol, and his brother to tell them all the good news. He couldn't keep from posting on facebook either. Even though I wanted to wait awhile, I knew when he posted that all of our friends would know anyway so I went ahead and did it. There was no telling him NO, he is just too excited to be a daddy!!!

We are VERY anxious to meet baby Moyer, ETA July 31, 2012.