For the past three weeks I have had my bad days, my okay days, and my hopeful days. Today is one of the bad days. I can't stop thinking about my baby that would have been, or the bump I would have had, I wonder what he or she would look like, be like, whether she'd have my eyes or her daddy's ears, my constant quest for answers or her dad's laid back attitude. I cry at the drop of a hat, and can't stop thinking about it all. Three weeks ago I was so overjoyed with excitement, and never once had a thought that something as terrible as this could have happened to US. I have had baby on the brain for years but we waited until the right time. We were patient, we had our amazing wedding, our fantastic honeymoon, and then we made a baby. We never dreamed in a million years that something so tragic would happen to us. But it did, and now somehow I have to find a way to go on. A way to keep going and keep believing and keep hoping. I am unsure of how to do this at this point in time. For now I cry on Jarred's chest and find joy in Brendon. But a part of me feels SO empty, so lonely, and so tearful for the life we will never get to meet, and so terrified that this could happen again and again. Everytime I get dressed I look at my belly and think about what it would look like now... what it should look like now.

Today is a bad day full of tears and what ifs and wondering what will happen in the future. One day at a time is slow and painful for an impatient person like me. I wish someone could tell me for certain that one day this would all be okay. That one day we will have our rainbow baby, and one day we will smile again, knowing it all happened for a reason. It's hard going on without knowing. It's hard to hope when faced with the reality that it could happen again. It's hard to dream when all of mine have just been shattered, with things and news going from bad to worse to the most horrible time ever.
I've never felt so terrible in my entire life.